The first 100 days in office for high-ranking politicians, like Rahm Emanuel, are important for setting the tone of their term. But what happens when a long-time politician like Richard M. Daley leaves office? What does he want to accomplish in his first 100 days of retirement? We couldn’t help but speculate what the former Mayor’s first 100 days out of office will be like:
Day 13: Sees the “Hangover 2” and asks, “What’s so great about the fat man with the beard? If I wanted to see a short, chubby guy say goofy-ass things for two hours, I’d just give Berny Stone a call.”
Day 22: After a heated dispute with his wife about what kinds of flowers they should plant in their yard, he sneaks out of bed that same evening and covertly carves out “X”s in the lawn.
Day 30: Spends half the day figuring out where in his home he should hang his “Welcome to Chicago Richard M Daley Mayor” highway sign. After deciding that it should go on the wall behind his bed, he spends the rest of the day trying to determine if it’s level.
Day 33: Operating under the nickname “The Urologist” (aka Dick MD), Daley ventures into the world of street art and creates a series of Rahm Emanuel inspired pieces. The first series, which features Emanuel spewing and throwing Swedish Fish at various aldermen garners critical acclaim from Time Out Chicago, the Reader and the Red Eye. His second series, titled “Rahm Dong Silver” is criticized for its vulgarity. Daley later fesses up and says it was a metaphor for Emanuel’s “big swinging dick way of doing business,” but admits the art was “ill-advised” especially the one posted near a Montessori school.
Day 44: After watching a “Man versus Food” marathon, decides to perfect a “mayor 4 life” hand gesture that he can flash to crowds of well wishers.
Day 51: Realizing he can no longer sell city revenue streams to private companies, Daley calls up some friends at Morgan Stanley and tries to lease them his table at Gibson’s for $350 million over the next 75 years.
Day 63: Attends the Pitchfork Music Festival and then tells all his friends that while he’ll remain fans of Sleigh Bells, he just doesn’t think their live shows captures their raw but refined sound. Also, he says he’s never felt more alive then when dancing to Cut Copy’s “Hearts on Fire.”
Day 72: Establishes himself as a dominant pitcher in a 16-inch softball league on the South Side. After pitching a shutout in the championship game, an exuberant Daley declares “Sixteen-inch softball will be an Olympic sport in 2016, you have my word. They want to keep the Olympics out of Chicago? Fine. We’ll bring Chicago to the Olympics.”
Day 86: In his newly appointed role as MC of a lecture series for the University of Chicago, Daley recruits Harrison Ford give the inaugural lecture. This appears to be a bury-the-hatchet gesture from Daley, who feuded with Ford after the Meigs Field incident. But it is revealed to be an elaborate prank, as Daley has planted several people in the audience who heckle Ford by shouting “I already work around the clock!” and “Dr. Jones! Dr. Jones!” Later, during the Q&A portion, other audience members bombard Ford with questions about “Hollywood Homicide” and “Extraordinary Measures.”
Day 100: Daley takes the stage at Pritzker Pavilion for a special installment of the “Concert in the Park” series. He begins his performance by proclaiming himself “Mayor of Millennium Park” and then plays several covers of Wesley Willis songs. For an encore, he performs an emotional cover of Wilco’s “I am Trying to Break Your Heart” and then walks off toward the sunset.